There's power in STFU

Living out loud comes naturally to me. Telling the truth is my knee-jerk reaction. I’m open, not secretive. I’ve actually had to learn to temper these instincts in order to be tactful and not hurt people’s feelings. But I still won’t lie outright.

So when I started stripping for a living I didn’t keep it a secret. I even told my mom. I was so happy with the freedom my new lifestyle provided. I knew I’d stick with it for a while, so I had to tell her. I talked with her on the phone nearly every day. I couldn’t keep a secret from her every day. Secrets beget lies and lies beget more lies. My relationship with my mother would’ve devolved into a pile of bullshit over time. Plus, my mom would’ve known something was up. She’s not stupid.

But I quickly learned that being forthright about my job was a mistake. People made weird assumptions. A woman from my acting class asked if I’d perform at her brother’s bachelor party. I was horrified as I calmly explained that I wasn’t the type of stripper who performed dildo shows.

If I ran into an acquaintance on the street, they’d always say something like, “Hey, are you headed to work?” If you ran into a lawyer on the street would you ask if they were headed to the courthouse? Why were people always thinking about my job?

One time I was playing in the waves in Costa Rica and a guy I barely knew asked, “So, are you still dancing?” I didn’t even understand the question at first. Was he saying that I was dancing in the waves? After he clarified, I wanted to spit in his face. We were thousands of miles away from home, jumping in the warm waves at sunset in a gorgeous stretch of Mother Nature, but instead of appreciating the moment, this dumb dude was imagining me on the pole?

So after a while, I kept my business to myself — which wasn’t easy. The first question people in New York ask when they meet you is, “so, what do you do?” When I first started dancing, I was also acting. I had under-5’s on soap operas or extra work on Sex and the City to talk about. I performed a role in a play at a grungy little theater on the Lower East Side for nearly a year. So there was other work to discuss. And over time, I became a master of smoothly avoiding the question. I learned to focus on others instead.

What a gift this turned out to be! I quickly saw how much I could learn from listening to people. I love to read and travel and learn as much as I can. But I’m only one person. There’s only so much information I come upon, only so many experiences I can have. How incredible to discover that I could expand my knowledge, even my entire mindset, simply by letting other people do all the talking. Listening instead of talking became my go-to behavior in social situations. Asking questions became my modus operandi.

Had I accidentally stumbled upon a power move?

So I guess what they say is true — people really do love talking about themselves. It’s my pleasure to let them do it and it’s been the most surprising benefit of having a socially unacceptable job. Who knew?